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Blödsinn
#24
YOU KNOW YOU'RE A WARHAMMER GAMER WHEN:
1. You think WWI and WWII were imperial guard battles
2. You scream WAAGH!!! on a roller coaster.
3. You blame acne on Nurgle's Rot.
4. You think the Jahova Witnesses is a Chaos cult.
5. You ask your history teacher if the spanish inquistion had grey knights.
6. You think the military's railgun is stolen tau technology.
7. You exuse for causing a fight in school is BLOOD FOR THE BLOOD GOD!
8. You call your strict gym teacher a commissar.
9. You curse the machine spirit when your car doesn't start.
10. You bring an axe and green face paint to a paintball competition.
11. You ask your church's pastor if he owns an eviserator.
12. You call Vietnam the Catachan Country.
13. You ask your school librarian if he has psychic powers.
14. Betting on car races, you always go for the red one.
15. You scream "Dakka Dakka Dakka!" when playing first person shooters.

1. When your answer to EVERY problem is sending in a squad of Adeptus Astartes

2. You've ever laughed at Halo players talking about how cool Master Chief is, knowing full well a single Space Marine could have won the whole war, faster, cooler, and with just one gun.

3.You've deeply considered the emotional implications of having your mind put in a metal body, then wanting your flesh back.

4. You want a pet Squig to eat your neighbor's annoying kids.

5. You've gotten your (enter significant other of choice) to start playing so they won't guilt you for not spending time with them.

6. You've gotten high off paint and glue fumes by accident while sitting next to a closed window.

7. You purposely search out WH40K novels to find out more fluff about your army.

8. You joined a forum to talk about the game and any of it's aspects.

9. You've ever considered what part of the imperium you'd like to be in (inquisition, guard, astartes, navy, mechanicus, echleziarchy, normal person...)

1. You scream "Necron!" at the sight of green tinged metal.
2. You ask a blind person to send telepathic messages for you.
3. You see a green mushroom in the woods, and run away yelling "Ork invasion!"
4. Your new exuse is my squig ate my homework.
5. Your answers on an evolution quiz are related to tyranid invasions.
6. You fix everything with scrap metal, a hammer, and glue.
7. You call 911 and say the earth's under invasion from alien spores when you see a red sky and meteor shower at the same time.
8. You ask a fortune teller where her Tzeentch cult meets for ritual sacrifices.
9. You ask the general of the army what his stats are and where is his master-crafted power sword.

1. If you ask NASA to bring down Exterminatus on your relatives.

2. If you simply state "Heresy!" as answers on questions you don't know.

3. If you call a car (mek) shop and ask if they do mechadendrites.

4. If you scream "BLOOD FOR THE BLOOD GOD!" at the start of every game of [sport].

5. If you decide to stay home from school due to Nurgle's Rot.

6. If you torch a beauty parlor and, at the interrogation, state that they were Slaaneshi worshippers and you were just doing the Emperor's will.

7. If you refer to easter as a Tzeentchian holiday.

8. If you refuse to eat mushrooms due to them being "tha boyz, but not yet".

9. If you relentlessly refer to elves in any fantasy setting as Eldar.

10. If you refer to your [sport] team as your regiment and your coach as the commissar. If you happen to be a coach yourself, give and expect no mercy.

11. If you attempt to open a time/space rift to get a copy of the Codex Astartes.

12. If you refer to female soldiers as Sisters of Battle and nothing else. Ever.

13. If you without fear, remorse or pity stomp on every small reptilian creature you encounter. If someone confronts you, just assure them that "they'll grow".

14. If you try to start a WAAAAGH! with the actual intention of torching the entire world.

15. If you talk High Gothic.




Failed Space Marine legion-names:

Bright Angels
Emperor's Grandchildren
Rabid Wolves
Blood Donators
Iron Feet
Plant Eaters
Supermarines
Mental Legion
Life Guard
999 Sons
Microsoft Word Bearers
Beta Legion
Black Muslims
Heavy Metal Warriors
Constructors
Black Panthers
Storm Midgets
Nice Weather Lords
---------------------------------------------------

Uses for a Lasgun

Warming soup.
When left on, a seat warmer in your Leman Russ.
Disco effects/pyrotechnics.
Cigarette lighter.
Changing T.V. channels.
Selling to get funds for a better weapon.
Throwing at the enemy (may do more damage)
Using for grave marking for IG troops.
Collecting (eventually you might have enough to do some damage)
Paperweight.
Skeet shooting.
A cooking utensil.
Looking slightly menacing.
Strapping onto a Boltgun as a laser sight.
Annoying friends by shining it in their eyes repeatedly
Burning ants
------------------------------------------------------

Things you will NEVER see in the 40k universe:

Space Marine Girl Scouts
Sisters of battle Fire Engine
Sane World Eaters
A Space Marine carrying a dead gretchin as a battle-trophy
A gretchin carrying a battle-trophy
A Vegetarian Blood Angel
An Eldar way-stone at the Lost & Found
A crying Space Marine
A Night Lord sunbathing
A plague marine polishing his armour
A Tau giving a high-five
A retreating Death Company Space Marine (if you DO see this, you're probably doomed)
A Khorne Berzerker leaving a skull behind
The Golden Throne caretakers on strike
An assassin, before it's too late...
A remote controlled Necron
A meeting at the BDA (Blood Drinkers Anonymous, Blood Angels only)
Games Workshop charging what models are ACTUALLY worth
---------------------------------------------------------------------------------


What the Emperor's thinking:

"39,002 bottles of Emperor's Tears on the Wall, 39,002 bottles of Emperor's Tears, take one down, pass them around, 39,002 bottles of Emperor's Tears on the wall. 39,001 bottles. . ."

"You know, I've had this itch for 3,435 years, right at the base of my neck. . ."

"Why can't they hook up a Playstation 40,000 in here?"

"Damn, my foot's asleep again."

"You know, when I said sacrifice 1000 souls to me daily, they must have misunderstood. I actually meant sacrifice 1000 COALS. It's so cold in this huge throne room..."
-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------


Battlecry of the Word Bearers:
"How much word could a word bearer bear if a word bearer could bear words?"

Death Guard Motto:
"A sickness a day keeps the Imperials away, and death at bay, or so they say."

Now showing in movie theatres in the Eye of Terror, the award-winning documentary/horror/action-movie: "Children of the Khorne"



Iron Warriors at the beach:
- My sandcastle is bigger than yours!
- No it isn't!
- Yes it is, and it has lascannons here and here, and these are missile launchers!
- Well mine's got that as well, and a moat full of skulls and barbed wire!
- Your lascannons aren't placed at the right spots! What if the enemy attacked here? Or here? Or put heavy fire on this wall? You'd have to concentrate the fire on that area over by the seashell, while your terminators got into position over by that piece of seaweed. And barbed wire placed over there isn't gonna slow the enemy down! You’ve gotta put another turret on this spot here, next to the dead starfish, and have warriors standing ready over here in case of a breakthrough. And what if that crab over there assaulted this wall? I'd suggest a squad of...

Things you don't wanna hear when you're in the Imperial Guard:
"We're outta ammo?"
"CHARGE!!!"
"Khorne Berserkers good fighters? Us Cadians can handle them!"
"You mean you FORGOT the Leman Russes?"
"Why are the Dark Angels surrounding us?"
"Welcome to the Cata- PRIVATE!!!! THERE'S A WRINKLE IN YOUR BANDANA!!!! IRON IT OUT, THEN GIVE ME 500 LAPS AROUND THE BASE!!"
"Funny, the Ogryns don't smell as bad when dead."
"Hey, a grenade without a pin!"
"You just had to forget the gas for the chimera, didn't you?"
"You know, guys...Chaos isn't SO bad"
"Fix bayonets!"
"Whaddya mean orbital bombardment?"
"We missed our shooting phase?"
"Hey, Sarge, this thing just fell out of the sky, it's all fleshy and squishy, and there are scratching noises inside."
"Hehe, that's a good practical joke, plugging the tank's guns... let's stay really close to it so we can see the looks on their faces!"
"Our regiment has been assigned to fight in the Third Armageddon War? Sounds fun!"
"Sweet! And I get to be one of them? Man, this is so cool! I can't wait! Hey, what are the Last Chancers anyway?"
"Boy, I hope those artillery guys got the right coordinates..."
"Hah! Those Chaos dopes spelled 'surrender' with only one R!"
"I'm your new commanding officer. Now, this is my first command, so go easy on me, okay?"
"See? Lasguns can take anything. Drop it, throw it in the swamp, use it as a club, and it still...uh oh."
"Well, we're low on ammo, our radio's busted, and we've got genestealers coming in on all sides. Let's charge them!"
---------------------------------------------------------------------


Space Marine Commandments:

1. Thou shalt not make fun of other chapter’s names.
2. Orks are not "cute."
3. Thou shalt not make jokes about the Imperial Guard's weapons.
4. Thou shalt not replace the Librarian's staff with a magic wand.
5. Thou shalt not tip the Terminators over during battle.
6. Thou shalt not do Spock impersonations around Eldar.
7. C-3P0 is not a Necron ambassador.
8. You shall not dare others to eat Squigs.
9. No, you cannot "take the Titan for a spin."
10. Thou shalt not use thy multi-meltas to light campfires. (In a similar manner, thou shalt not use the Terminator Captain's chainfist to open tins of baked beans)
11. Thou shalt not bribe the Inquisitor to bring down Exterminatus on your ex-wife.
12. Thou shalt not refer to the Rhino transports as "pimp wagons," nor shalt thou use the phrase, "If the Rhino be rockin, don't come a knockin."
13. The Chapter Master is not a "drag."
14. Thou shall not use Power Swords to cut your food.
15. Thou shall not ask a Sister if you might "donate some of your own Gene-Seed."
16. Thou shall not throw soap at nurglings.
17. Thou shalt not put a "kick me" sign on the Golden Throne.
18. Thou shalt not refer to the Machine Spirit as "Cruise Control".
19. .Thou shalt not unplug the Golden Throne just "for laughs".
20. Thou shalt not unplug the Golden Throne just "for laughs".
21. Thou shalt not make the Emperor read your palms, or call upon him as "Miss Cleo".
---------------------------------------------------------------------------------
An Imperial Guardsmen's Ten Commandments

1. Thou shall not take sick leave while having Sisters Of Battle In the next Camp.
2. Thou shall not cut his or her hair with bayonet.
3. Thou shall not put graffiti on Space Marine's equipment.
4. Thou shall not replace a Space Marines bolter with a las-gun.
5. Thou shall not use a grenades pin as an earring.
6. Thou shall not experiment with frag grenades.
7.Thou shall not play with flamers.

Uses for an Imperial Guardsman's Bayonet

A dandy can opener
cutting your vegetables
mugging the guys in the camp next to you
prop swords
pantsing your commander
looking like a thug
fighting grots (still may not work)
a reflective surface for signaling
shaving (use whipped cream from rations with it)
quick and easy haircuts
a belt buckle
committing suicide (might work if you try hard enough)
gardening
-----------------------------------------------------------------
Tyranids:

1) Thou shalt not look up when it rains.

2) Thou shall not drown in one's saliva.

3) Thou shalt not hit the Zoanthrope's Head while it sleeps.

4) Thou shalt not play tag with spores.

5) Thou shalt not make references to Godzilla.

6) Thou shall not eat rippers, they are not morsels.

7) Thou shall not cling to Hive Tyrant for protection and claim thee is a bio-morph.

Thou shalt not spring up in front of bullet to block it during shoo the big one's for thou shall surely die and will not stopith thee bullet.

9) Thou shall respect thy Hive mind.

1 Thou shall not play pigeon shooting by loading thy friend ripper in to a gun and firing thy friend ripper at a spore launched by a biovore.

11) Thou shall not hiss and screech "KABOOM!" to see if thy spore mines flinch when scared, for thee shall surely go boom.

------------------------------------------------------


Necrons:

1) Thou shall not download any viruses to prove how though thou is.

2) Thou shall not ride scarabs into battle like skateboards.

3) Thou shall not allow any object to press thy reboot button.

4) Thou shall not keep scarabs as pets.

5) Thou shall not ask thy nightbringer to read thee a bed time story.

6) Thy Crystal a top thee monolith is not a mirror for if thee looks into it thee shall surely FRY.

7) C3-PO is not thy brother.

Thou shall not request for thy entertainment a magic show by thy fellow wraith.

---------------------------------------------------

Tau:

1) Thy pulse rifle shall not be any bigger then thee.

2) Thy guadian drone is not a hover chair.

3) When telling thy story of killing thee foe for thy wanted peace, thou shall turn off thy family drone before thy shout..., "FIRE! said our commander."

4) Thou shall not build remote controls and wire thy remotes frequency to control thy commander’s drone.

-------------------------------------------------------

Space Marines

1) Thou shall not make references to smurfs when thy fellow Ultramarine is by.

2) Thy Librarian hath better things to do then read thee a bedtime story.

3) When thy encounter Sisters thou shall not surrender to be thy sister's P.O.W. for thou disgraceth thee self and thy squadron if thee does.

4) Thou shall not invite thy Space Wolves squadron to thy banquet of victory for thou shall if thee does see true savageness.

5) Thou shall not lead thy brother Blood Angel to thy donation center for blood!
----------------------------------------------------------

40 ways to tell if you play too much 40K:

1.You frequently shout WAAAAGH!!! out the window of your car (going slightly over the speed limit)...

2.You have a car that is full of holes, and fifty rhinos that aren't.

3.You call people who play WFB deviants.

4.If you call people heretics on a daily basis...

5.If your car is painted to match your chapter markings, and has a las-cannon mounted on top.

5.If you commonly refer to Skaters as Eldar, and you think the Terminator is a 40k-based movie...

6.If you have a c'tan opener in your kitchen.

7.upon seeing a vicious dog you fail your morale test and run away screaming

8.you paint your car red because you think it'll make it go faster

9.your best friend is an Arco-flagellant

10.You've named your dogs Ferki and Gerki

11.You call spraying your home for roaches exterminatus.

12.You call breaking out the winter clothing bringing out the terminator armor.

13.Your friends ask to see your "little black book" and you bring out the 40k rulebook.

14.You don't know that the Smurfs really aren't the Ultramarines and Papa Smurf is not Marneus Calgar/Robute Guilliman.

15.Your dog Russ ran away and you don't want him to come back because you fear it will end the world.

16.Someone says, "I'm allergic to spores" and you think, "Who isn't, those things explode!"

17.You can write a complete army list in abbreviations.

18.you make threats to people involving drop pods and certain red-armored marines...

19.to begin to refer to decisions you make in your every day life as "leadership checks, morale tests, and armor saves"

20.when someone refers to an angry nun you hit the deck because you think bolter shells will begin flying

21.you begin to reach for your bolt pistol only to realize that you don’t own a bolt pistol (yet)

22.you get disgusted when you begin talking about the solders in your army and no one understands who you are talking about.

23.when some one yells "cockroach" you ask for a las-cannon. When one is not forth coming, you begin declaring "exterminatus" on the general vicinity of the "bug alert" because you realize that it is too late for these poor souls. They were probably infested already anyway.

24.you make cryptic threats about the might of your legions and that you will sick them on any one who pisses you off.

25.when some one asks what kind of car you have and you tell them that you own a baneblade

26.You're playing baseball, and roll dice to see whether you should miss the ball deliberately

27.You walk three meters, then stop, then walk three meters, then stop, etc.

28.You get repeatedly beaten up after calling Bikey Gangs "Speed Freaks"

29.You get arrested because you started praying to Slaanesh on the bus in your own special way

30.you have more armies than friends

31.you carry dice in your pocket 'just in case...'

32.you can only afford to eat beans, but 'look at this cool new model I just bought'

33.you wonder why Alien wasn't sued for copyright infringement

34.your computer spellchecker automatically corrects 'Orc' to 'Ork'

35.When buying a computer you check for the Machine Cult seal of the Omnissiah, and upon discovering it is not there, rant and rave until they draw on a gear with a skull in the middle.

36.You get your football team to shout waaaaaagh after every huddle.

37.Your self-portrait is in power armor.

38.You accidentally have your army list when grocery shopping.

39.Your credit card is maxed out at $40,000.



40. You actually do fit ten fully equipped marines into your rhinos.
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